Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
