Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Randomize
