he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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