and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
