Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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