The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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