So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
