____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
