We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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