I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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