can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
