Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
