I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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