I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
