I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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