oh god the rape fog is back!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
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