Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
