There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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