i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
