I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
