I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
