Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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