im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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