Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
