On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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