I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
this boner is exhausting
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize