i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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