see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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