Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
