does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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