I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
