Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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