um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
we're making bets on your personal life
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
