Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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