I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
