woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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