i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
