I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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