It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
