Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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