we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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