Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
