Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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