we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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