After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Randomize
