Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
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