my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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