True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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