Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
