I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize