I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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