im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
