In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
