Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
