Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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