i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
