I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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