Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
