she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
