you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
